Fuckin' Crush It

OK so I'm going to crush 30 minutes by writing in my blog. My goal is to put this stuff (my thoughts) down stream of consciousness with little to no editing.  Well you'll never know as I'll be the one who decides when I hit the publish button (some editing included). There are a few things playing on my conscious mind at the moment.  The one that stands out is balance. Balance of all the factors in life. By balance I really mean that there are all these competing forces and I'm attempting to keep each of them from crashing down on me and destroying the little bit of pleasure I get from having freedom to think. All the stuff that I'm responsible for has the propensity for making me happy or miserable. With the right amount of guidance, effort and ability to let go of control I can stay ahead of the game.

So I've got all of these elements in my life I have to keep happy - spinning plates. I'm pretty sure everyone has to deal with this shit. I have a job, wife, family and friends. If you don't have these elements in your life I'm sure you are filling you time with equally demanding things. Christ, I play this game on my phone called Clash of Clans and even the 12 year olds on there get pissed off at me. Which is fine! I'm totally cool with it. They have their priorities and things like creating unified attacks toward rival clans are very real and important to them.

Over the years I've gotten my act together and now I'm trying to keep it that way. It's like being perpetually in high school. There are rules and laws and freedoms and restrictions. Adult life is pretty awesome actually. Best part is I still feel like a kid searching for relevance in a word that seems to be speeding of at an incomprehensible pace. I hope capturing some of my thoughts here results in a tiny act of rebellion. I desire the ability to renounce compliance while at the same time investigating new realms of existence scientifically.

Have friends still laying their souls out there on stage; musicians, stand up comics, real artists. I can't begin to express my respect for them. My path has lead me to my computer keyboard, hammering away on a Sunday night. Chewing trident white gum with Darth Vader's picture on it because I was thinking of brushing my teeth before sitting down to write. The gum saved not only my teeth and my breath but the time spent on one more distraction. What I'm saying is, there are always excuses and distractions preventing us from getting our art out.  Some come from within others from without. Doesn't matter, some people find the time and energy to get it out there. God help me I'll be damned if I don't continue to attempt to share and shake things up.

Fact is this stuff will go out and it will exist.  Not sure if it will have any effect other than being something that people will scroll over and say, "well he sure did write a lot." It will have an impact and some validity in that respect. But what am I truly trying to say? I guess I believe I can make myself and others happy. I believe in the importance of self expression. I believe in the now forming mythology of the communication revolution taking shape on the internet. I believe that someone somewhere will read this and have a moment of human connection. To me that's pretty damn close to absolute power. I wasn't able to get on stage tonight. I wasn't able to sing a song to you. Still you arrived her in this theater and this was my song.

Preparation

Life is defined by the decisions we make and how we spend our time. Everyday we go through a routine. We wake up, dress, run off to work, get through the day, then home again to start the cycle over again.  We have practiced and engrained behaviors. The daily coffee, tea or latte, the route used in commuting, the satisfaction of clearing email from the inbox, each give moments of pleasure that guide us through each day. The routine follows us like a shadow. Days become years and this eventually amounts to our experience of life. If you are lucky you enjoy everyday, take on new challenges and live life to the fullest. Alternately most become so shackled to their routine time passes by uneventful and unnoticed. One day blends into the next. Obviously the bad habits contained within the routine need to be improved.

One can never be completely on top of all things needed to be done in life. We must adjust moment to moment in relation to the changes in ourselves and the environment. Fine tuning and improvement is always possible as is needed.  Life teaches us. Make the right choices, live better & longer.  The commitment to improving every day leads us to new places.  We arrive there with better habits and an improved routine.

Are you totally fit? Wealthy in all areas of life: emotionally, financially, socially, physically?  Does your job just pays the bills or are you excited about your career? It can be said true happiness comes from the daily pursuit of and overcoming of the obstacles on the road to achieving your goals. Making progress toward and achieving your goals could be considered winning at the game of life.  Life is played one moment, day, month, year, decade at a time.  Like an athlete or an army general if you don't prepare for the challenges ahead you are finished before you even start.

Get ready for the challenges of your week by implementing a new routine, a routine based on preparation. As it is right now your routine of shower and run out the door with just enough time to grab a coffee ain't cutting it. Each day or week of your life can be viewed as a separate event with a distinct beginning middle and end. How much time do you spend each week preparing?   To succeed in the face of challenge depends greatly on preparation. Native skills alone will only get you so far in competitive situations having dynamic circumstances.   a   The race, contest, event are where preparation is tested.  Also there is no more time to prepare once the starting gun sounds.

If you want to make it to the gym after work at minimum you will need to have your tennis shoes and change of athletic clothes.  Taking the clothes shows some preparation whereas booking a class or session with a trainer that you will lose if you don't show takes higher level of commitment and higher level of preparation. Make a plan and stick to it.  Although writing a plan can start out as nothing more than a to-do list, writing a to-do list is not planning.  Writing a to-do list is better than nothing.  However, to plan you must be strategic and willing to make decisions as well as organize your actions.  

Write. Just Write.

Consistently writing may be the best meditative and self explorative process one can engage in. The flow of thoughts and ideas like the experiences in our life, are constantly and continually being evaluated by our consciousness.  Our ability to think and imagine is directly linked to our ability to make sense of the world.   In my experience meditation is great for some people but hard to grasp for many.  The meditative concepts of just sitting and thinking or not thinking or whatever is supposed to happen is to ethereal and ambiguous for most people.  They don’t know how much is enough or if they have even started or if it’s time to finish.  The practicality of it’s use becomes convoluted and mysterious.  So I say write.

Why start writing?  Point blank, the commitment to yourself and to your own mental well being will pay dividends throughout your entire life.  As you type you will begin to see how your mind functions.  The work may seem sad or frustrating at first.  This is an important phase to go through.  You may actually be sad and frustrated and this is manifesting in your work and your ability or inability to put thoughts onto the page.  As you progress and continue with the process you will begin to have some small but surprising breakthroughs.  Eventually you will come to know and befriend yourself and that is the best benefit of all.  

I can’t be sure of how you got to this page and these words but if any of this seems interesting to you and you want a more detailed explanation of the process I’m describing please get a copy of The Artist’s Way by Julia Camron.  The processes described there have been extremely helpful in getting me to the point where I’m willing to confront the idea of writing and thus becoming a writer.

From Julia via the book I learned that what I put onto the page is not as important as the act of sitting down and typing out these words.  The ritual of writing is the meditation and the meditation is the benefit.  The benefit should be realized throughout the other waking hours of my life.  I know there are distractions and judgements and voices that I must learn to ignore.  

Eventually one is able to witness one’s own thoughts as they appear onto the page.  The smoother ones thinking the smoother the flow of words onto the page.  I’m awestruck by the ability of some of the prolific authors to not only amass the sheer volume of words but to make those words make sense to others than themselves.

Thoughts on Rebirth Amnesia

I'm trapped by amnesia.  Everything is great by external appearances.  I have a house and my own vehicle, a beautiful wife and family.  I put on my headphones as music help stop shut out the distraction of the outside world.  Yet every drumbeat seems to jostle my concentration.  It's as if I have something I need to get done but as soon as I sit down to do it I can't remember what I sat down to do.  Then I become hungry.  Immediately after that I become sleepy.  This sad pattern has continued for weeks, months and years.

I know I have a mission because the anxiousness sucks on my consciousness continually like a leech preventing the needed blood flow from reaching my cerebral cortex.  If I could relieve the anxiety and fear that grips me I know I could remember what my mission is.  I have a vague memory (it's more of a feeling) of working on a project to further desires and supply the needs of humanity.  And I know I could provide the help if I could just remember what it was that I'm supposed to do.

So I'm attempting to jog my memory by writing and studying.  I'm diving into every book on ancient history and philosophy and self help I can find.  Music seems to help.  I'm attempting to separate myself from the rest of humanity for at least a few minutes a day.  Because they are all stuck with the same problem as me and their group mentality abhors subversive behavior.  Studying those who have come before feels like a good start and provides clues but this type of investigation moves slowly and is far from enough though.  Additionally I need to keep my body fit and explore methods of preserving my health and extending my life span.  When I do recover from this past life amnesia I'll have some serious work to do.

The other scary thought would be to die without ever getting back on track.  Once you figure out your mission and can get back to the work you were originally programed to do then one can die in peace, knowing the work was forwarded, knowing lives were saved and that this life was not wasted. There is some comfort in the fact that these words are being written and published maybe myself or someone from my team will uncover them later, their relevance only to someone on a similar search in a more hopeful and not so distant future. The other possibility is that these communications get wiped clean.  In which case I'd better work faster.